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finding life in ambivalent places

finding life in ambivalent places
 

listen to the music

Friday, January 26, 2007

here's one of my favorite rosie thomas songs. i think i figured out how to link to music. yippee!



like my new look?

i was getting bored with the look of my blog, so i did some searching and found this template, which i really like. and i figured out how to put my own links up, which is fun, because you can see other parts of my life. i'm still working on some of it, but i think it's fun.

more later. :) probably when the kiddos are asleep.

Sunday, January 14, 2007

marriage and gender

my first paper for marriage and family is due tomorrow. it's been a week since we've been back in class - welcome to grad school. so i've been working on it for the last couple of days, and while i think my paper is decent, i'm sick of thinking about all of this. it's hard. it's painful.

the idea of revelatory iconography (a fancy way of saying made in the image of God) is wonderful, and scary, and thrilling. and the idea that this revelation is found in a unique way in marriage is, frankly, disheartening. i feel, incomplete somehow. as if i don't have enough voices in my head telling me i AM incomplete.

my ex-fiance just got married. i can hardly keep from throwing up looking at that sentence, but it's constantly in my head as i think about marriage. i'm glad i didn't marry him, for a number of reasons, including the fact that i don't think we would have "grown each other's glory" (as dan allender says is the purpose of marriage). but it still hurts to know that he chose someone else. it still feels that way. and now, in the midst of all the sorting myself out and learning what marriage is for and deciding to hope for something again, i have to fight to stop believing all that i learned from his leaving. it's an exhausting fight.

i don't think this class (marriage and family) is going to get much easier - i'm pretty sure it will wake up more longings, especially as we talk about parenting. the precious 3-month old that i nanny vomited all over me on friday, and even that didn't make me wish any less for a baby of my own.

it's going to be a long term...

Monday, January 08, 2007

i can't find me...

it's been a long time since i last posted, and i've thought about it a lot. but i sit in front of my computer hoping to find something nice to say, and i just feel sad. i feel sad a lot these days. i feel so much loss - so much so that i feel lost myself. and not in some scary, i'm completely depressed and i have no identity way, but in some scary, i'm feeling more than i've ever let myself feel before and the weight of it all makes it hard to find me kind of way.

so...i still love rosie thomas, and i got her new album (thanks for the tip, mere) and i'm loving her kite song these days. i'm not sure where the here is that i'm wanting to go away from, or who the you is that i want to go away with, but there's something in her longing that feels familiar, and it makes me feel like maybe it's okay to feel the way i'm feeling.

[i don't know how to post a link to the actual song - maybe someone can help me sometime. but until then, here are the lyrics...]


Oh tie me to the end of a kite
So I can go on I can go on with my life
Every marigold I pass below will be my guiding light
I just want to go away from here

Oh tie me to the end of a kite
So I can go on I can go on with my life
Every time the wind blows stronger I will feel my spirit rise
I just want to go away from here

Oh tie me ever tightly by your side
So I may go with you wherever you reside
Any time the road looks dimmer I will be your guiding light
I just want to go away with you

I just want to go away with you.




  
   





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