finding life in ambivalent places

working on a poemsong...

2007-10-15T13:25:00.000-07:00

the ground is wet all around me, but I can’t see the rain falling

it’s one of those days when you don’t turn on the lights and just let the gray seep into your skin

the emptiness feels louder today, and I can’t make it be quiet

this is what comes from wanting more

karl rahner is awesome...

2007-09-20T23:31:00.000-07:00

“Become aware that [God] has been quietly listening for a long time whether you, after all the busy noise of your life, and all the idle talk that you called your illusion-free philosophy of life, or perhaps even your prayer during which you only talked to yourself, after all the despaired weeping and mute groaning about the need of your life, whether you finally could be silent before him and let him speak the word, the word that seemed only to be like a deadly silence to the earlier man who was you”.

-The Need and The Blessing of Prayer

it's about time for a new post, eh?

2007-09-20T19:21:00.001-07:00

so life has been rather busy the last few days, or really weeks, or months, actually. busy, and full of new experiences and introspections, unfamiliar emotions and feelings all too familiar. so much so that the thought of blogging has been intimidating and somewhat unimportant.

but now classes have started back up again, which means i am re-entering a routine of academia and contemplation. and that means i'll be blogging again, because i'll be prompted to write down what i'm thinking.

for now, i'll leave you with a realization i had the other day...it's easier for me to feel aimlessly lonely
than to point my loneliness at someone

some thoughts from a recent paper

2007-06-18T13:15:00.000-07:00

Does it seem incredibly ridiculous to anyone else that the call to joy would be found in suffering? How can it be so? And yet, living in the upside down kingdom of this God I try to serve, I have heard this reminder, this admonition even, many times. I must admit, there is a particularly painful scratch in those words, “joy in suffering”, as I continue to wrestle with the death of my dear friend. How can it be that God is inviting me into the making of my soul by way of something which seems only to tear my soul apart?

Alan Jones (1985, p. 187) says “we prevent our own healing when we misrepresent what is going on inside us, and lie to ourselves”.

How can we learn to give and experience love? Jones (1985, p.199) finds the answer in the trinity, in the paradoxical passion of God: “the work of Redemption is to restore the pattern of the Trinity in us so that we love in a way that is not disordered or out of tune”. It is in these contradictory experiences of God as one and as three, as sufferer and as lover, that we can begin to know as “a process of participation in the life of another” (Jones, 1985, p.198). And so, rather than misrepresent what is going on inside of us, we must engage our struggle with knowing a God who brings to our lives joy and suffering together. We must, like the Psalmist, agonize over what seems so senseless and even cruel, while at the same time remembering the redemptive acts of this crazy upside down God we try to follow. It is there that we will find, and in turn be able to offer, healing.

oh the ache

2007-06-14T00:00:00.001-07:00

so i stayed up way too late tonight, because after finishing my old testament take home exam, i wanted to relax by watching so you think you can dance. and i got taken in by a performance that felt familiar. last year, there was a performance by heidi and travis (you have to fast forward a bit to get to the actual dance) that made me ache. this year, it's lacey and kameron. i watched it three times tonight (yay for dvr). and i immediately came and bought the song on itunes.

listen to the whole song - it's amazing.

and now i have to go to bed.

pc or mac?

2007-06-09T14:09:00.000-07:00

i've been thinking about getting a new computer lately, as mine is already a couple of years old, and will be incredibly outdated by the time i finish grad school. here at mars hill, there is a definite trend towards macs. i'm not sure if that's because of the rebellious, postmodern, artistic, challenge the mainstream attitude of most students, or just simple coincidence. but it makes me wonder, should i make the switch?

i grew up in a pc home, and my dad didn't really become "bilingual" until i was in my undergrad program. my brother has a mac, and he loves it - but he's also an amateur filmmaker and musician, so that makes perfect sense to me. so i know i wouldn't be shunned by my family if i decided to go with a mac. which is good.

what do you think?

thinking about getting rid of my car...

2007-06-07T10:33:00.000-07:00

i've been looking for ways to cut down my monthly costs and my ecological footprint lately, and one idea is to get rid of my car. living in a city affords me the possibility of using public transportation exclusively, which would save me money on gas and car insurance, and has much less of an ecological impact. as i think about what it would be like to not have a car, i get a little bit uncomfortable - i won't be able to run out to go shopping any time i want, and when i do go shopping, i'll have to buy less so that i can carry it on the bus with me. i won't be easily mobile - trips will take longer. i'll have to get up earlier in the morning to make it to work on time. basically, i'll lose a lot of the conveniences of having a car.

however, i've done a little bit of research, and seattle has a lot of incentives towards getting rid of a car. one less car is an incentive program in seattle which is connected to flexcar. basically, i can take a month to see what it would be like to not have a car - ride the bus, get rides from friends, etc. if i decide that i want to sell my car, they will give me a credit towards becoming a member of flexcar, which means i can essentially borrow a car, for hours, or days, for cheaper than renting one. the fee covers the cost of gas, insurance, and the car. since i'm going out of town for a week and a half in june, and two weeks in july, i think i'll wait until august to do my trial period - i spose i could technically do it now, but it sort of feels like cheating, and i'd like to get a good feel for not having a car in my daily life.

the really cool thing is that i could not only save a couple hundred dollars a month, but i could reduce my ecological footprint. and those seem like good reasons to stretch myself, move out of what has been comfortable and familiar to me.

what can you get done...

2007-06-01T15:15:00.000-07:00

during nine hours of class?
this is what i've done during the past two days of class. i started the morning out trying to pay attention, but for some reason i cannot stay focused on anything. i'm taking old testament genre, and i'm not sure but i think the fact that i can't get excited about this class may mean i'm not really a great christian.

nevertheless, i am productive.

* i have scheduled an appointment for my travel immunizations for kenya this summer. * i have made phone calls checking in on my dad and brother who are currently driving from atlanta to phoenix. * i have debated the theological validity of counseling, gender neutral language in the bible, and other hot topics (all through the magic of g-chat). * i have caught up with old friends (also through the magic of g-chat, and facebook. yes, i signed up for facebook. i couldn't keep fighting the peer pressure.) * i have done reading for my other classes. * i have sent and received four e-mails (although the number would be much higher if i included all the status messages i got from facebook after i signed up). * i have consumed a bag of cinnamon life, an apple, two string cheese, 1000mL of water, two diet cokes, and a delicious chicken sesame salad from anthony's.

and, somehow, i've taken four pages of notes during class. four pages is nothing, in comparison to the novel the girl in front of me has on her computer, but since most of what has been said is in my textbooks, i think i'll be alright.

and who knows what i'll get done tomorrow? yep. i have class all day tomorrow too. ugh.

time for a change

2007-05-31T11:55:00.000-07:00

being that it's been over a month since i last blogged, i figured the best thing to do is to change my template. i like it because it sort of looks like seattle right now - summer in seattle is exquisite (except for being stuck inside a classroom all day).

so, some musings from over the past month.

riding the bus is fun. it's a great place for people watching. the later you're on the bus, the more entertaining it is - people get more boisterous when they've been awake for awhile. this morning, at the crack of 8:00 am, the bus was pretty much silent. (and it's an electric bus, so when it stops, there is literally no sound.)

summer school should be illegal. it's currently 70 degrees and sunny outside, and i'm stuck in a classroom, in fact, for the next three days straight. and i have approximately 200 pages a night to read, after 9 hours of class each day. thankfully, the sun isn't going down until sometime after 9:00 pm, so i can at least sit outside to read my books.

it's hard for me to ask for things for myself. even things that may seem, innocuous. for example, due to scheduling conflicts, i had not planned to take 4 classes this term. however, two days prior to the class, i was told that changes are being made to class offerings and i would need to take a class in order to graduate before 2010...which i'd really like to do. so, instead of asking the professor if she would let me leave early every day, and miss the last full day of class, i searched the internet frantically looking for an online class that would sufficiently fulfill the requirements. on the first day of class, i sat in, hoping to get the professor to approve my online findings, and instead, she says "why don't you just leave early and take the final exam early?" no problem. i had been incredibly stressed for 48 hours, for pretty much no reason. (of course, then i got stressed about catching up on all the assigned reading, and managing 4 classes this summer. maybe i just thrive on stress?)

i suppose that's a good re-entry into the blogosphere. i've linked to some new blogs that i'm enjoying these days, and i'll work on getting some good tunes and such as well.

american idol gives back...

2007-04-26T14:41:00.000-07:00

it's been a long time since i've posted! in honor of finishing my papers, and finishing this term, i sat on the couch and watched the american idol special, american idol gives back. i haven't been following american idol this season, mostly because it conflicts with my favorite show, but i do enjoy watching (ok, critiquing, let's be honest) the performers when i get a chance. last night, they did a huge fundraising campaign, drawing attention to poverty across the united states and in various countries in africa. and it was, interesting.

i don't know if it's because i'm a counseling student, or because i'm becoming more aware of social justice issues, or what, but i couldn't quite get behind what american idol was doing. raising money for the poor, good. bringing attention to people in need, great. sending ryan seacrest and simon cowell to kenya to interview children who've been orphaned by AIDS, really not a good idea. (for those of you who don't know, ryan's generally known as a bit of an idiot, and simon's generally known as completely insensitive). my roommate teases me whenever we watch law & order or grey's anatomy, because there tends to be some emotional trauma, and i'm always asking where the psychologist is. but the truth is, i'm concerned about people's souls, not just their bodies and their minds. and if i get upset when it's fictional, you can imagine how i felt watching last night. in a short, 2 minute clip of their time in africa, ryan and simon are sitting with a 12 year old boy and his younger sister, in their home, talking about how awful it is that they live there, by themselves, in poverty. ryan says something like "you're alone because your parents died." and the boy begins to cry, nodding his head and hiding his face. ryan's response: "it's okay man. let it out. we all love our mommies and daddies. let it out. let it out". end scene. ugh. it reminded me of a scene in the invisible children documentary, except that the guys who were interviewing these young boys seemed...visibly shaken, not knowing how to respond to the tears of a child who has seen such horror. ryan sounded more like he needed a good sound bite.

apparently, the event raised close to $30 million, which is incredible. really amazing. and there were some beautiful, touching moments. my favorite performance was josh groban with the african children's choir. yes, i cried. i love the proud smiles of those kids, excited to be on tv, on stage; they are beautiful.

so, it made me think. and it raised a lot of money, and a ton of awareness. and for those things, i am glad.

four mice in four days

2007-03-17T09:11:00.000-07:00

megan and i were talking last night (she slept in my room because for some reason it doesn't seem to attract the mice like her room does), and we figured out that we've had mice in our house for at least five months. what, you may ask, are we doing about it? how could it be they're still around, with all the technology available to us? let me tell you.

we started out by calling our landlord. he called the exterminators, who set up a sticky strip under our stove to catch the mice. periodically, we would hear a disturbing squeal and know that a mouse had been caught and effectively starved to death, and we would call our landlord to come get it. we probably caught at least four mice using this technique. then the mice started showing up upstairs in our bedrooms, so we bought these great traps that tempt the mouse into a circular enclosure and then locks them into it, so that we don't have to see the mouse at all. we caught one mouse this way, and we were able to dispose of it ourselves, which of course made us proud. it seemed to be getting better for awhile, and then it got really bad. the mice were getting on megan's bed in the middle of the night, while she was sleeping in it. this, obviously, was completely unacceptable. i was out of town, so megan started sleeping in my room, and she took matters into her own hands. she bought the classic victoria traps, she bought poison, and she bought bleach. we strategically placed traps in all the places we'd ever seen a mouse (did i mention we'd see them running on our kitchen counter in the evenings?), and we got in the habit of bleaching the countertops every night. but the mice were eating all the peanut butter off of the traps, and going home to their families to tell them where they could find a great meal.

(this is becoming a long story about mice - can you tell that it's been a big part of my life recently?)

we were more than frustrated until rick came over and reset our traps, so that they would actually snap. and then we started hearing snaps in the middle of the night. we've developed a pattern now - every morning we go downstairs and look from the living room into the kitchen without turning any lights on, to see if there's a bump on top of the stove. there is, and we (by we i mean megan) get a paper towel and drop it over the mouse without looking, and then we call rick to come get it. four mice in four days. that's a total count of nine that we've caught, and who knows how many more there are.

this morning, there were no mice in the traps, and no evidence of any mice...but i'm not holding my breath.

i should be doing homework right now...

2007-03-11T22:48:00.000-07:00

i've been sitting at my desk now for almost an hour, finding things to help me avoid reading about dissociation and intimacy and psychological theories.

i've been listening to the rain spatter against my house (which is sort of a luxury - usually it doesn't rain hard enough that you can hear it in seattle), drinking a beer (alright, i admit it's actually a cider - but beer sounds so much tougher), and looking at my ex-fiance's blog, hoping to find myself in his archives.

i've been listening to more martha wainwright and damien rice (i will forever think of heidi now since her memorial video is set to a damien soundtrack - not the above song), enjoying the agony and the anger of their music and thinking about relationships...since of course that's what every song is about. (side note - if you're interested, www.heidimemorial.com)

i've been trying to push out of my mind the conversation we had at church tonight about jesus healing people, lacking the energy to wrestle with the reality that he doesn't heal everybody...i'm tired, and i'm tired of grieving and i really wish there was a reasonable time frame for feeling like this - hasn't it been long enough already? (btw, as a therapist and a friend, i would never say this to anyone else - just me) .

a little light reading before bed - an article titled broken hearts and mending bodies: the impact of trauma on intimacy.

at least my sheets are clean - small pleasures seem big...

airport musings

2007-03-05T19:35:00.000-08:00

stuck in the airport after a long funeral weekend, the second time this month...

i've been wanting to post for awhile, but can't find a way to put into words all that has been in the last few weeks. if i try, i think things like this: grief is hard and messy. overwhelming. can't make sense of much. flowers seem like life when everything around me is dying - looking forward to spring. school seems nearly impossible when i can't make complete sentences. i should take better care of myself, since i'm still alive - taking care of myself takes too much effort. sleep is good. home is not what i thought it was. i want to stop spending so much money on things that don't really matter - i like retail therapy.

i'm blogging instead of working on my research paper, but i know i'll have to do it at some point...

i went to see snow patrol before going to phx, and it was a great show. i like small shows much better than big arenas, but it was still good. martha wainwright is that haunting voice with them on set the fire to the third bar, and i looked her up when i got home and bought one of her albums on itunes. she's pretty incredible.

(disclaimer: explicit lyrics)

i've also been listening to sandra maccracken's album the builder and the architect - it's her modern interpretations of old hymns. having grown up in a non-traditional christian home, i never really got into hymns, but my friend sara sang for me the day after heidi died, and there was something comforting in the old-ness of the songs, so i went looking for more (i'm holding onto anything that brings me comfort these days). it's a good album. unfortunately, i can't upload her music onto this blog ( i can't figure out how anyway).

it's hard to ask for what you need when you don't know what you need. grieving is especially like that. thanks for being available, for asking what you can do, for checking in, for reminding me to eat...when i figure out what i need i'll let you know - in the meantime, keep asking. :)

my delayed flight is supposed to leave in 20 minutes, and we haven't even started boarding yet. it doesn't look good. guess i'll work on my research paper after all.

death and dying in our culture pt 1

2007-02-09T21:10:00.000-08:00

today was my grandpa's funeral. last night his wife and three sons went with their families to a viewing of his body at the funeral home. we went to look at my grandpa laid out in a coffin; but it wasn't my grandpa. i said (and my family will remind me) how weird it was multiple times. it was strange to see an empty body in front of me, something that looked sort of like my grandpa, but his face wasn't lit up with a smile. we cried and we looked at the flowers that people had sent, and it was weird for awhile. and then my dad stood up and started telling stories about my grandpa, in a demonstrative manner which he got from his dad (and i got from mine). and we laughed. i have never laughed with my aunts and uncles and cousins and grandma like that before. and i'm sad that it took my grandpa's death to make it okay for us to laugh like that, but it was wonderful. it felt like we were really together. and all the while, the empty body that used to hold my grandpa laid in a coffin in front of us. weird. when did we start this tradition anyway? and maybe a better question is, why?

and today, there he was again, in the coffin in the front of the church. and there were more stories told, and pictures, and we laughed and we cried. and as we walked out behind the coffin after the service was over, i was blown away by how many people were there. my dad had told us there would be standing room only, but to see people waiting not only in the front lobby of the church, but standing outside the church building, was incredible. my grandpa touched a lot of people's lives. and we were touched by their presence today.

tonight we ate mexican food and drank wine and sat outside on the back porch, talking about the day and remembering my grandpa. and it was good.

my grandpa the visionary, my grandpa the philanthropist

2007-02-07T07:21:00.000-08:00

here are two articles about my grandpa's life - this is my heritage...

east valley tribune

arizona republic

for my grandpa

2007-02-06T21:19:00.000-08:00

i wrote this song a couple of weeks ago, prompted by my grandma's encouragement to keep at my music and my grandpa's entering hospice care. i had hoped to send a recording of it home to play for him, but he died on monday morning. this is the story of my grandparents...

She sat behind him in their fifth grade class
She stands beside him now
And she remembers all the life they’ve shared,
And wonders how they made it here

She wants to make sure that their stories are remembered
Do we know who they are?

What will they leave behind?
How will they be remembered?
Never a man so kind,
Or a woman so tender

He couldn’t wait to give her his last name
So he ignored his own advice
When he came home they had just one week
But he had to make her his wife

They stood together in the backyard with some friends
They didn’t know what the future would hold

He made it home just a couple years later
And they began a family
He took the land they had and made it prosper
While she helped their boys grow into men

She got a call one day that changed their lives forever
They didn’t know if he would live

Now they’ve been married over 60 years
And although their life’s been hard
They stayed together through the toughest times and
They’re still learning what their love can look like

Their boys are grown now and they’ve got nine grandchildren
And we know, and their stories we hold

What will they leave behind?
How will they be remembered?
Never a man so kind
Or a woman so tender

She sat behind him in their fifth grade class
She stands beside him now

maybe if you catch me on a day i'm feeling brave i'll play it for you

listen to the music

2007-01-26T16:01:00.000-08:00

here's one of my favorite rosie thomas songs. i think i figured out how to link to music. yippee!

2007-01-26T12:41:00.000-08:00

like my new look?

i was getting bored with the look of my blog, so i did some searching and found this template, which i really like. and i figured out how to put my own links up, which is fun, because you can see other parts of my life. i'm still working on some of it, but i think it's fun.

more later. :) probably when the kiddos are asleep.

2007-01-14T21:49:00.000-08:00

marriage and gender

my first paper for marriage and family is due tomorrow. it's been a week since we've been back in class - welcome to grad school. so i've been working on it for the last couple of days, and while i think my paper is decent, i'm sick of thinking about all of this. it's hard. it's painful.

the idea of revelatory iconography (a fancy way of saying made in the image of God) is wonderful, and scary, and thrilling. and the idea that this revelation is found in a unique way in marriage is, frankly, disheartening. i feel, incomplete somehow. as if i don't have enough voices in my head telling me i AM incomplete.

my ex-fiance just got married. i can hardly keep from throwing up looking at that sentence, but it's constantly in my head as i think about marriage. i'm glad i didn't marry him, for a number of reasons, including the fact that i don't think we would have "grown each other's glory" (as dan allender says is the purpose of marriage). but it still hurts to know that he chose someone else. it still feels that way. and now, in the midst of all the sorting myself out and learning what marriage is for and deciding to hope for something again, i have to fight to stop believing all that i learned from his leaving. it's an exhausting fight.

i don't think this class (marriage and family) is going to get much easier - i'm pretty sure it will wake up more longings, especially as we talk about parenting. the precious 3-month old that i nanny vomited all over me on friday, and even that didn't make me wish any less for a baby of my own.

it's going to be a long term...

2007-01-08T19:15:00.000-08:00

i can't find me...

it's been a long time since i last posted, and i've thought about it a lot. but i sit in front of my computer hoping to find something nice to say, and i just feel sad. i feel sad a lot these days. i feel so much loss - so much so that i feel lost myself. and not in some scary, i'm completely depressed and i have no identity way, but in some scary, i'm feeling more than i've ever let myself feel before and the weight of it all makes it hard to find me kind of way.

so...i still love rosie thomas, and i got her new album (thanks for the tip, mere) and i'm loving her kite song these days. i'm not sure where the here is that i'm wanting to go away from, or who the you is that i want to go away with, but there's something in her longing that feels familiar, and it makes me feel like maybe it's okay to feel the way i'm feeling.

[i don't know how to post a link to the actual song - maybe someone can help me sometime. but until then, here are the lyrics...]

Oh tie me to the end of a kite
So I can go on I can go on with my life
Every marigold I pass below will be my guiding light
I just want to go away from here

Oh tie me to the end of a kite
So I can go on I can go on with my life
Every time the wind blows stronger I will feel my spirit rise
I just want to go away from here

Oh tie me ever tightly by your side
So I may go with you wherever you reside
Any time the road looks dimmer I will be your guiding light
I just want to go away with you

I just want to go away with you.

2006-12-07T17:10:00.000-08:00

good goodbyes...

today was my last meeting with trapper. (background for those who don't know - trapper was my practicum facilitator, which means we met once a week to talk about what's being stirred up for me, and how i'm engaging the others in my practicum.) when i first met him, i immediately decided he couldn't possibly be safe - not with a name like trapper. looking back, i realize my determination to stay disconnected from him, and my fear of what would happen if he actually met me. but meet me he did, and it was unbelievable. he has turned out to be the safest man i've ever let see me, and he has fought well for me. it was so hard to sit across from him today and try to say thank you, and so most of the time i just cried. it was precious time - we laughed, and smiled, and cried as we remembered all that has happened over this term. and i wrestled with this new experience of a good goodbye...

this is especially poignant for me as i think about heading back to gilbert for christmas, to see my family and my dear friend heidi. cancer is a strange and unfathomable thing, and it seems inevitable to experience an awkward struggle when you know that death is coming. to be present in such a final goodbye, when goodbyes in general are hard, seems to be nearly impossible. and yet it is incredibly important to me. in this taste of a good goodbye, a goodbye that acknowledges what someone has been for me, and what i have been for them, a goodbye that embraces the ache we usually try so hard to hide, i am aware of my desperate desire for such a goodbye with heidi. and it's awful to even think about saying goodbye to her, to even think about what this all means. but i am beginning to want more to honor heidi and tell her who she is than i want to avoid the pain i feel in saying goodbye.

and so, in agony, i hope for more good goodbyes...

2006-11-27T21:27:00.000-08:00

ice and snow, a big korean church, and crazy drivers

so, it's snowing in seattle. and it's been snowing most of the afternoon and evening, at least up in bothell, which is where my school currently is. so, we got out of class at 5:30, and started trying to make our way to the freeway. we made it about a 1/4 of a mile in two hours, and gave up and came back to the church where we have classes. there are probably about 20 of us still hanging out, working on papers, playing basketball and just avoiding being stuck on the road for the next, oh, 4 hours.

many of my friends here are from places like iowa and michigan and north dakota, so they're used to snow, and they think it's pretty funny to hear me squealing excitedly at the gorgeous white stuff. (today i learned the difference between powder and heavy snow) but more than that, they are incredibly frustrated with the crazy drivers on the road who hit their brakes too hard and end up sliding into trees and phone poles and other cars. you would think that in seattle when it rains, people would be pretty chill, because it rains, well, a lot. not so - traffic slows and backs up, and it takes a long time to get anywhere. so make it snow, not rain, and ice, not sleet, and seattle freaks out.

thankfully we're in a warm place, with bathrooms and heat and an internet connection, so even if we have to spend the night, we'll be alright.

2006-11-20T20:48:00.000-08:00

it's thanksgiving break. i have one more day of work, and then i have three days in a row off. i have stuff to work on for school, and plenty of things to get done around the house, but i will get to rest.

this is the first thanksgiving i've not been with my family in a long time. strange.
my roommate megan and i are hosting our very own thanksgiving dinner - my job is to buy the wine :)

it is strange to realize that i won't see most of my classmates (although one is staying in town and having dinner with us) for a week. my class is huge - about 80 people - and i haven't even met all of my classmates. but somehow i will miss them. there is an unspoken connection between us, a recognition of a common struggle.

have a happy thanksgiving - it's good to be thankful.

2006-11-11T21:34:00.000-08:00

melancholy and not so motivated...

mars hill grad school is unlike any other program. that's why i came here, right? but i didn't fully realize the implications of choosing to come here. and, though i know full realization has yet to arrive, i am learning something of what it means to be a mars hill student. melancholy may quickly become my middle name.

i must be soberly thoughtful and pensive, in a way that evokes sadness, in much of my studies. i am asked to write stories of tragedy in my life, and analyze how i've told such stories. am i connected? have i left out important pieces because they feel too painful to write down? what have i done with the impact of this scene in my life since that time? i am asked to share stories of wounding in my life with a small group of peers in practicum, and receive feedback and healing as i allow them to see and speak into my pain. i am asked to look honestly at how i relate to others, and to begin to dig not only into why i am the way i am, but how that impacts my relationships and how it will impact my potential patients. these are weighty things, and they deserve quiet consideration.

and while i am not thrown into despair and depression (praise the lord), i am easily distracted by my melancholy. i don't want to write, i'd rather just sit and think. and i don't want to read, i'd rather just watch a movie. and i don't want to do the dishes or the laundry, i'd rather just sleep. and let me tell you, much as i love the rain, it is so tempting to curl up on the couch or in bed and just spend these wet days lazing around. i suppose i can't blame it all on the rain - it's not so heavy when i'm not motivated to do much.

i need to learn how to want to do things in the midst of my remembering and my raining...

2006-11-04T20:59:00.000-08:00

time flies...

when you're a grad student. i only have six weeks left of my first term. every weekend i look back and try to remember where my week went - work, classes, time with friends, reading and writing papers. i feel like my time in seattle has flown by so far.

my job continues to be a blessing. maddie, my little 19 month old, is learning a lot, having a hard time being separated from her momma, and loving being a big sister. ryan is 6 weeks old now (he's sleeping, sort of, on my lap at the moment - he's having a tough night) and he's darling. and i love melanie and david, their parents. melanie and i usually get a chance to talk sometime during the day, and we're really becoming friends.

school is tough. school is intense, and emotional, and challenging. it's beautiful, and scary, and exactly where i need to be, even on the days when i don't want to be. there's a lot being stirred up in me, and i'm wiped most of the time just because of the level of engagement that's required of me. i have two big papers due next week (which i should be working on right now, of course).

seattle is awesome. at least the parts i've gotten to see - it's hard to justify going exploring in my limited free time, especially when i haven't even cleaned my house. but i've found a great old theater that shows independent and foreign films, and it's so fun. i actually went to see a movie today called babel, which i'll have to post about another time. and there's enough thai food to keep me in curry as much as i want, which is a lot these days. and although the rains have come, with no sign of stopping, i'm learning how to deal with the bottom of my pants being wet, and how to layer clothing so that i stay dry and warm in between my car and school, but not too hot once i'm in class with 90 other people.

i've made some good friends. sunday nights i hang out with a great group of people who are exploring what it looks like to be church. wednesday nights i hang out with some girls from school and we have porch wine - in other words, we hang out on the porch and drink five dollar bottles of wine (we're grad students, remember) and talk about life. at least, we used to sit out on the porch. now it's too wet and cold, so we'll probably sit inside somewhere.

i guess that's a pretty good update for now.

it's almost time to go feed the baby. :)

2006-10-20T13:10:00.000-07:00

some thoughts about blogging

as a communication scholar (i get to call myself that because my BA is in communication), blogging intrigues me. online journals have changed the way we tell our stories - our culture is moving farther and farther away from oral traditions of old, and sometimes i wonder if we'll get to a place where we never actually talk to one another at all.

i'm particularly fascinated by the fact that, in my circle of friends at mhgs, most of us blog, and we blog about some pretty deep stuff. we are processing all that's being stirred up in us, on the world wide web. anyone can read our thoughts. and we want them to. and even more so, we want them to comment. we check our blogs multiple times a day, hoping to see that someone has responded to what we wrote. generally, every time i'm on the internet i go through a routine of checking my blog and then running down a list of blogs of people i know and love. i don't leave comments very often, even though i know my friends are longing for the same kind of recognition and connection that i am. but worse than that, i don't generally talk to my friends and family about the things i'm posting about (this blog aside, ironically). i don't call someone up and say, "hey, i posted on my blog today, and i'd really like to hear your thoughts on it" much less just go talk with them and ask for feedback in the first place. instead i write in the hopes that someone will find my blog and respond.

so, what does this mean in terms of communication? what are the implications of this kind of communicating in relationships? and why does it somehow feel safer to publish my journal for all the world to see and hope to be found then to simply invite someone to talk about all the things i'm thinking about?

2006-10-16T14:22:00.000-07:00

it's fall here in the pacific northwest. that means it's kinda cold, but not too cold, and it's kinda gray, but not too gray, and the best part...the leaves on the trees change colors. and not just green to less green, or green to brown, but green to yellow and orange and red and burgundy. it's breathtaking.

have i mentioned that i love living in seattle?

- a short disclaimer: the picture is actually fall in idaho, last october. thanks to my friend sara for the great shot. i just don't have a camera, which means i can't take pictures of fall in seattle. i know, i need to fix this problem, and soon.

2006-10-11T11:21:00.000-07:00

the life of a grad student

i have four papers due next week. four. what else can i say?

2006-10-03T21:42:00.000-07:00

it's the other way around...

i don't think we find hope - i think hope finds us. or maybe, we remember where hope has been, where we've hidden it. much as i've tried to lose hope, to stop looking into the future and anticipating something good, i can't. and i'm not sure why, except that there seems to be something about being human that means hoping.

so, once we remember where we put our hope, what do we do with it? lindsey jo and i were talking yesterday about how we hope, but we don't really want to say what we hope for, so we obscure our hope. instead of saying outright, "i'm really hoping for..." whatever it is, we just tiptoe around it and wonder if people will figure it out. needless to say, when they don't figure it out, we're disappointed, angry and disillusioned, vowing that we won't be so foolish as to hope again.

what would it cost to just tell people what we're hoping for?

2006-10-01T17:41:00.000-07:00

"i'm determined that nothing but the very deepest love will entice me to matrimony..."

my roommate borrowed the BBC version of pride and prejudice, and we watched the first half this afternoon. (i should've been doing homework, but i'm lacking motivation) i know everyone loves keira knightley's portrayal of elizabeth, but i don't think she can rival jennifer ehle. if you haven't seen the BBC version, you should - find five hours when you can just sit on the couch...or maybe a few hours a couple of nights in a row.

anyway, i'm struck by how even though darcy's pride and elizabeth's prejudice, and darcy's prejudice and elizabeth's pride, are what keep them missing each other, it all comes back to fear. jane and bingley, charlotte and mr. collins, all of them are afraid. they cannot bring themselves to say how they really feel, particularly to the object of their affections, for fear of how it will be received, or not received. so they talk around one another (which proper English affords great opportunity to do) and work hard to convince themselves that they desire something, or someone, else entirely.

mostly though, elizabeth's vow that she will not allow anything but the deepest love to tempt her touches something in me. it is a vow that protects her, for it seems unlikely that she will find anything resembling such a love, and she can keep her distance from her desires. she is a smart woman, quick-witted and sharp. that's what i love about her...but i think it keeps her safe. and i think it's what keeps me safe, too. it's so much easier to hold impossible expectations, keeping my distance, with the knowledge that i will never be called into my desires than to hope for something tangible and be disappointed when it doesn't come. of course, then when it comes, in all its fumbling proposals, i'll miss it. i'll dismiss it. and i'll work even harder to protect myself from it in the future.

so i look for something crazy and foolish, something that i can feel alive in without being asked to hope for much, and then end it before i can be disappointed. the sad thing is that in doing so, i deface the dignity of the person i'm crazy with. it's hard to begin facing the reality that my sin, my belief that i must protect myself and my fear of being loved and left, not only hurts me, but hurts the people i'm in relationship with.

all this from a couple hours of watching a movie...it was supposed to be mindless, a break from studying. i guess this is what happens when you go to mars hill. :)

2006-09-25T22:08:00.000-07:00

i'm just trying to give you something of what i am...

we watched a clip tonight in hermeneutics from the movie "the big kahuna" and although i've never seen the movie, i was moved by a simple statement: "i'm just trying to give you something of what i am". as we talk about incarnational relationships and how we can offer dignity to one another, that phrase seems to capture something raw and beautiful. i've been thinking a lot about calling out the dignity in others, and inviting people to engage my dignity as well, but when i watched this clip i was hit by the pain that comes when what we offer isn't accepted, or is misunderstood. we cannot require that our friends, or anyone we interact with really, appreciates our dignity, sees it and embraces it. there is no guarantee that what we call out and what we offer will be responded to in the way we hope. i suppose that's what hope is all about: choosing to engage, to try to give something of who we are to someone, without any promises that we will be engaged back.

that's what makes it so sweet when someone sees you, when even for the briefest moment, someone looks in your eyes, sees you and all you're hoping for... and smiles.

2006-09-24T13:15:00.000-07:00

"Doubting Thomas"

this is a great Nickel Creek song...seems like an appropriate anthem for a counseling student.

What will be left when I've drawn my last breath
Besides the folks I've met and the folks who've known me
Will I discover a soul-saving love
Or just the dirt above and below me

I'm a doubting Thomas
I took a promise
But I do not feel safe
Oh me of little faith

Sometimes I pray for a slap in the face
Then I beg to be spared cause I'm a coward
If there's a master of deathI bet he's holding his breath
As I show the blind and tell the deaf about his power

I'm a doubting Thomas
I can't keep my promises
Cause I don't know what's safe
Oh me of little faith

Can I be used to help others find truth
When I'm scared I'll find proof that it's a lie
Can I be led down a trail dropping bread crumbs
That prove I'm not ready to die

Please give me time to decipher the signs
Please forgive me for time that I've wasted

I'm a doubting Thomas
I'll take your promise
Though I know nothin's safe
Oh me of little faith

2006-09-23T19:04:00.000-07:00

throwing almonds and spinning tales

waiting is hard. waiting expectantly is a lot harder. you can wait without hope, and life is pretty boring, but it's basically safe. if you choose to wait with hope, there is great potential for disappointment. so what would it be like to wait in a way that invites people in, allows for the possibility of being hurt, but even more so allows people to engage in what is enjoyable about me?

of course, that would mean i have to believe that there is something enjoyable about me, and be confident in that without needing someone else's validation. that's scary. because what if someone begins to enjoy me, and then decides that they're not really interested? or what if they experience the same kind of ambivalence that i'm experiencing, and they move towards me and then away from me, and then towards me again? and maybe even worse, what if they really enjoy me, and call more out of me?

it's hard to long so deeply to be known, and at the same time be so afraid of being seen. we've been talking in hermeneutics about how we know - and the truth is that for the most part, we know by seeing. we know by reading, and experiencing, and hearing other people's stories - we know by seeing each other, seeing the world around us, and ultimately, by being seen.

so, instead of writing fantasies, making up stories of what it might like to be known, but never actually inviting anyone to know me, i will choose to sit and wait expectantly, and ask "wouldn't you like to enjoy me? won't you come experience what i have to offer you?" even though it's terrifying.

and in the meantime, if I throw a few almonds, well, who can blame me?

2006-09-21T13:16:00.000-07:00

there is something about being in seattle, and being in grad school, that makes me want to write. not write papers, of course, because that would be just too easy. but write journal entries, and songs, and yes, maybe even a blog.

i'm not sure exactly what i want this blog to be, but being a lover of words, i need a place to process all that is being stirred up in me.

there is an epic story being written, one of beauty...a story where joy and sorrow are held in the same heart.

come read with me.