throwing almonds and spinning tales
waiting is hard. waiting expectantly is a lot harder. you can wait without hope, and life is pretty boring, but it's basically safe. if you choose to wait with hope, there is great potential for disappointment. so what would it be like to wait in a way that invites people in, allows for the possibility of being hurt, but even more so allows people to engage in what is enjoyable about me?
of course, that would mean i have to believe that there is something enjoyable about me, and be confident in that without needing someone else's validation. that's scary. because what if someone begins to enjoy me, and then decides that they're not really interested? or what if they experience the same kind of ambivalence that i'm experiencing, and they move towards me and then away from me, and then towards me again? and maybe even worse, what if they really enjoy me, and call more out of me?
it's hard to long so deeply to be known, and at the same time be so afraid of being seen. we've been talking in hermeneutics about how we know - and the truth is that for the most part, we know by seeing. we know by reading, and experiencing, and hearing other people's stories - we know by seeing each other, seeing the world around us, and ultimately, by being seen.
so, instead of writing fantasies, making up stories of what it might like to be known, but never actually inviting anyone to know me, i will choose to sit and wait expectantly, and ask "wouldn't you like to enjoy me? won't you come experience what i have to offer you?" even though it's terrifying.
and in the meantime, if I throw a few almonds, well, who can blame me?
waiting is hard. waiting expectantly is a lot harder. you can wait without hope, and life is pretty boring, but it's basically safe. if you choose to wait with hope, there is great potential for disappointment. so what would it be like to wait in a way that invites people in, allows for the possibility of being hurt, but even more so allows people to engage in what is enjoyable about me?
of course, that would mean i have to believe that there is something enjoyable about me, and be confident in that without needing someone else's validation. that's scary. because what if someone begins to enjoy me, and then decides that they're not really interested? or what if they experience the same kind of ambivalence that i'm experiencing, and they move towards me and then away from me, and then towards me again? and maybe even worse, what if they really enjoy me, and call more out of me?
it's hard to long so deeply to be known, and at the same time be so afraid of being seen. we've been talking in hermeneutics about how we know - and the truth is that for the most part, we know by seeing. we know by reading, and experiencing, and hearing other people's stories - we know by seeing each other, seeing the world around us, and ultimately, by being seen.
so, instead of writing fantasies, making up stories of what it might like to be known, but never actually inviting anyone to know me, i will choose to sit and wait expectantly, and ask "wouldn't you like to enjoy me? won't you come experience what i have to offer you?" even though it's terrifying.
and in the meantime, if I throw a few almonds, well, who can blame me?
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on Saturday, September 23, 2006 at 7:04 PM.
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