Thursday, December 07, 2006
good goodbyes...
today was my last meeting with trapper. (background for those who don't know - trapper was my practicum facilitator, which means we met once a week to talk about what's being stirred up for me, and how i'm engaging the others in my practicum.) when i first met him, i immediately decided he couldn't possibly be safe - not with a name like trapper. looking back, i realize my determination to stay disconnected from him, and my fear of what would happen if he actually met me. but meet me he did, and it was unbelievable. he has turned out to be the safest man i've ever let see me, and he has fought well for me. it was so hard to sit across from him today and try to say thank you, and so most of the time i just cried. it was precious time - we laughed, and smiled, and cried as we remembered all that has happened over this term. and i wrestled with this new experience of a good goodbye...
this is especially poignant for me as i think about heading back to gilbert for christmas, to see my family and my dear friend heidi. cancer is a strange and unfathomable thing, and it seems inevitable to experience an awkward struggle when you know that death is coming. to be present in such a final goodbye, when goodbyes in general are hard, seems to be nearly impossible. and yet it is incredibly important to me. in this taste of a good goodbye, a goodbye that acknowledges what someone has been for me, and what i have been for them, a goodbye that embraces the ache we usually try so hard to hide, i am aware of my desperate desire for such a goodbye with heidi. and it's awful to even think about saying goodbye to her, to even think about what this all means. but i am beginning to want more to honor heidi and tell her who she is than i want to avoid the pain i feel in saying goodbye.
and so, in agony, i hope for more good goodbyes...
