finding life in ambivalent places

the ground is wet all around me, but I can’t see the rain falling

it’s one of those days when you don’t turn on the lights and just let the gray seep into your skin

the emptiness feels louder today, and I can’t make it be quiet

this is what comes from wanting more

“Become aware that [God] has been quietly listening for a long time whether you, after all the busy noise of your life, and all the idle talk that you called your illusion-free philosophy of life, or perhaps even your prayer during which you only talked to yourself, after all the despaired weeping and mute groaning about the need of your life, whether you finally could be silent before him and let him speak the word, the word that seemed only to be like a deadly silence to the earlier man who was you”.

-The Need and The Blessing of Prayer

so life has been rather busy the last few days, or really weeks, or months, actually. busy, and full of new experiences and introspections, unfamiliar emotions and feelings all too familiar. so much so that the thought of blogging has been intimidating and somewhat unimportant.

but now classes have started back up again, which means i am re-entering a routine of academia and contemplation. and that means i'll be blogging again, because i'll be prompted to write down what i'm thinking.

for now, i'll leave you with a realization i had the other day...it's easier for me to feel aimlessly lonely
than to point my loneliness at someone

Does it seem incredibly ridiculous to anyone else that the call to joy would be found in suffering? How can it be so? And yet, living in the upside down kingdom of this God I try to serve, I have heard this reminder, this admonition even, many times. I must admit, there is a particularly painful scratch in those words, “joy in suffering”, as I continue to wrestle with the death of my dear friend. How can it be that God is inviting me into the making of my soul by way of something which seems only to tear my soul apart?

Alan Jones (1985, p. 187) says “we prevent our own healing when we misrepresent what is going on inside us, and lie to ourselves”.

How can we learn to give and experience love? Jones (1985, p.199) finds the answer in the trinity, in the paradoxical passion of God: “the work of Redemption is to restore the pattern of the Trinity in us so that we love in a way that is not disordered or out of tune”. It is in these contradictory experiences of God as one and as three, as sufferer and as lover, that we can begin to know as “a process of participation in the life of another” (Jones, 1985, p.198). And so, rather than misrepresent what is going on inside of us, we must engage our struggle with knowing a God who brings to our lives joy and suffering together. We must, like the Psalmist, agonize over what seems so senseless and even cruel, while at the same time remembering the redemptive acts of this crazy upside down God we try to follow. It is there that we will find, and in turn be able to offer, healing.

so i stayed up way too late tonight, because after finishing my old testament take home exam, i wanted to relax by watching so you think you can dance. and i got taken in by a performance that felt familiar. last year, there was a performance by heidi and travis (you have to fast forward a bit to get to the actual dance) that made me ache. this year, it's lacey and kameron. i watched it three times tonight (yay for dvr). and i immediately came and bought the song on itunes.

listen to the whole song - it's amazing.




and now i have to go to bed.

i've been thinking about getting a new computer lately, as mine is already a couple of years old, and will be incredibly outdated by the time i finish grad school. here at mars hill, there is a definite trend towards macs. i'm not sure if that's because of the rebellious, postmodern, artistic, challenge the mainstream attitude of most students, or just simple coincidence. but it makes me wonder, should i make the switch?

i grew up in a pc home, and my dad didn't really become "bilingual" until i was in my undergrad program. my brother has a mac, and he loves it - but he's also an amateur filmmaker and musician, so that makes perfect sense to me. so i know i wouldn't be shunned by my family if i decided to go with a mac. which is good.

what do you think?

i've been looking for ways to cut down my monthly costs and my ecological footprint lately, and one idea is to get rid of my car. living in a city affords me the possibility of using public transportation exclusively, which would save me money on gas and car insurance, and has much less of an ecological impact. as i think about what it would be like to not have a car, i get a little bit uncomfortable - i won't be able to run out to go shopping any time i want, and when i do go shopping, i'll have to buy less so that i can carry it on the bus with me. i won't be easily mobile - trips will take longer. i'll have to get up earlier in the morning to make it to work on time. basically, i'll lose a lot of the conveniences of having a car.

however, i've done a little bit of research, and seattle has a lot of incentives towards getting rid of a car. one less car is an incentive program in seattle which is connected to flexcar. basically, i can take a month to see what it would be like to not have a car - ride the bus, get rides from friends, etc. if i decide that i want to sell my car, they will give me a credit towards becoming a member of flexcar, which means i can essentially borrow a car, for hours, or days, for cheaper than renting one. the fee covers the cost of gas, insurance, and the car. since i'm going out of town for a week and a half in june, and two weeks in july, i think i'll wait until august to do my trial period - i spose i could technically do it now, but it sort of feels like cheating, and i'd like to get a good feel for not having a car in my daily life.

the really cool thing is that i could not only save a couple hundred dollars a month, but i could reduce my ecological footprint. and those seem like good reasons to stretch myself, move out of what has been comfortable and familiar to me.

during nine hours of class?
this is what i've done during the past two days of class. i started the morning out trying to pay attention, but for some reason i cannot stay focused on anything. i'm taking old testament genre, and i'm not sure but i think the fact that i can't get excited about this class may mean i'm not really a great christian.

nevertheless, i am productive.

* i have scheduled an appointment for my travel immunizations for kenya this summer. * i have made phone calls checking in on my dad and brother who are currently driving from atlanta to phoenix. * i have debated the theological validity of counseling, gender neutral language in the bible, and other hot topics (all through the magic of g-chat). * i have caught up with old friends (also through the magic of g-chat, and facebook. yes, i signed up for facebook. i couldn't keep fighting the peer pressure.) * i have done reading for my other classes. * i have sent and received four e-mails (although the number would be much higher if i included all the status messages i got from facebook after i signed up). * i have consumed a bag of cinnamon life, an apple, two string cheese, 1000mL of water, two diet cokes, and a delicious chicken sesame salad from anthony's.

and, somehow, i've taken four pages of notes during class. four pages is nothing, in comparison to the novel the girl in front of me has on her computer, but since most of what has been said is in my textbooks, i think i'll be alright.

and who knows what i'll get done tomorrow? yep. i have class all day tomorrow too. ugh.