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finding life in ambivalent places

finding life in ambivalent places
 

Monday, September 25, 2006

i'm just trying to give you something of what i am...

we watched a clip tonight in hermeneutics from the movie "the big kahuna" and although i've never seen the movie, i was moved by a simple statement: "i'm just trying to give you something of what i am". as we talk about incarnational relationships and how we can offer dignity to one another, that phrase seems to capture something raw and beautiful. i've been thinking a lot about calling out the dignity in others, and inviting people to engage my dignity as well, but when i watched this clip i was hit by the pain that comes when what we offer isn't accepted, or is misunderstood. we cannot require that our friends, or anyone we interact with really, appreciates our dignity, sees it and embraces it. there is no guarantee that what we call out and what we offer will be responded to in the way we hope. i suppose that's what hope is all about: choosing to engage, to try to give something of who we are to someone, without any promises that we will be engaged back.

that's what makes it so sweet when someone sees you, when even for the briefest moment, someone looks in your eyes, sees you and all you're hoping for... and smiles.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

"Doubting Thomas"

this is a great Nickel Creek song...seems like an appropriate anthem for a counseling student.

What will be left when I've drawn my last breath
Besides the folks I've met and the folks who've known me
Will I discover a soul-saving love
Or just the dirt above and below me
I'm a doubting Thomas
I took a promise
But I do not feel safe
Oh me of little faith
Sometimes I pray for a slap in the face
Then I beg to be spared cause I'm a coward
If there's a master of deathI bet he's holding his breath
As I show the blind and tell the deaf about his power
I'm a doubting Thomas
I can't keep my promises
Cause I don't know what's safe
Oh me of little faith
Can I be used to help others find truth
When I'm scared I'll find proof that it's a lie
Can I be led down a trail dropping bread crumbs
That prove I'm not ready to die


Please give me time to decipher the signs
Please forgive me for time that I've wasted

I'm a doubting Thomas
I'll take your promise
Though I know nothin's safe
Oh me of little faith

Saturday, September 23, 2006

throwing almonds and spinning tales

waiting is hard. waiting expectantly is a lot harder. you can wait without hope, and life is pretty boring, but it's basically safe. if you choose to wait with hope, there is great potential for disappointment. so what would it be like to wait in a way that invites people in, allows for the possibility of being hurt, but even more so allows people to engage in what is enjoyable about me?

of course, that would mean i have to believe that there is something enjoyable about me, and be confident in that without needing someone else's validation. that's scary. because what if someone begins to enjoy me, and then decides that they're not really interested? or what if they experience the same kind of ambivalence that i'm experiencing, and they move towards me and then away from me, and then towards me again? and maybe even worse, what if they really enjoy me, and call more out of me?

it's hard to long so deeply to be known, and at the same time be so afraid of being seen. we've been talking in hermeneutics about how we know - and the truth is that for the most part, we know by seeing. we know by reading, and experiencing, and hearing other people's stories - we know by seeing each other, seeing the world around us, and ultimately, by being seen.

so, instead of writing fantasies, making up stories of what it might like to be known, but never actually inviting anyone to know me, i will choose to sit and wait expectantly, and ask "wouldn't you like to enjoy me? won't you come experience what i have to offer you?" even though it's terrifying.

and in the meantime, if I throw a few almonds, well, who can blame me?

Thursday, September 21, 2006

there is something about being in seattle, and being in grad school, that makes me want to write. not write papers, of course, because that would be just too easy. but write journal entries, and songs, and yes, maybe even a blog.

i'm not sure exactly what i want this blog to be, but being a lover of words, i need a place to process all that is being stirred up in me.

there is an epic story being written, one of beauty...a story where joy and sorrow are held in the same heart.

come read with me.

  
   





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