melancholy and not so motivated...
mars hill grad school is unlike any other program. that's why i came here, right? but i didn't fully realize the implications of choosing to come here. and, though i know full realization has yet to arrive, i am learning something of what it means to be a mars hill student. melancholy may quickly become my middle name.
i must be soberly thoughtful and pensive, in a way that evokes sadness, in much of my studies. i am asked to write stories of tragedy in my life, and analyze how i've told such stories. am i connected? have i left out important pieces because they feel too painful to write down? what have i done with the impact of this scene in my life since that time? i am asked to share stories of wounding in my life with a small group of peers in practicum, and receive feedback and healing as i allow them to see and speak into my pain. i am asked to look honestly at how i relate to others, and to begin to dig not only into why i am the way i am, but how that impacts my relationships and how it will impact my potential patients. these are weighty things, and they deserve quiet consideration.
and while i am not thrown into despair and depression (praise the lord), i am easily distracted by my melancholy. i don't want to write, i'd rather just sit and think. and i don't want to read, i'd rather just watch a movie. and i don't want to do the dishes or the laundry, i'd rather just sleep. and let me tell you, much as i love the rain, it is so tempting to curl up on the couch or in bed and just spend these wet days lazing around. i suppose i can't blame it all on the rain - it's not so heavy when i'm not motivated to do much.
i need to learn how to want to do things in the midst of my remembering and my raining...
mars hill grad school is unlike any other program. that's why i came here, right? but i didn't fully realize the implications of choosing to come here. and, though i know full realization has yet to arrive, i am learning something of what it means to be a mars hill student. melancholy may quickly become my middle name.
i must be soberly thoughtful and pensive, in a way that evokes sadness, in much of my studies. i am asked to write stories of tragedy in my life, and analyze how i've told such stories. am i connected? have i left out important pieces because they feel too painful to write down? what have i done with the impact of this scene in my life since that time? i am asked to share stories of wounding in my life with a small group of peers in practicum, and receive feedback and healing as i allow them to see and speak into my pain. i am asked to look honestly at how i relate to others, and to begin to dig not only into why i am the way i am, but how that impacts my relationships and how it will impact my potential patients. these are weighty things, and they deserve quiet consideration.
and while i am not thrown into despair and depression (praise the lord), i am easily distracted by my melancholy. i don't want to write, i'd rather just sit and think. and i don't want to read, i'd rather just watch a movie. and i don't want to do the dishes or the laundry, i'd rather just sleep. and let me tell you, much as i love the rain, it is so tempting to curl up on the couch or in bed and just spend these wet days lazing around. i suppose i can't blame it all on the rain - it's not so heavy when i'm not motivated to do much.
i need to learn how to want to do things in the midst of my remembering and my raining...
This entry was posted
on Saturday, November 11, 2006 at 9:34 PM.
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1 comment:
You read my mind, lovely....and you say it with better words.
procrastinating and avoiding,
mer
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