finding life in ambivalent places

stuck in the airport after a long funeral weekend, the second time this month...

i've been wanting to post for awhile, but can't find a way to put into words all that has been in the last few weeks. if i try, i think things like this: grief is hard and messy. overwhelming. can't make sense of much. flowers seem like life when everything around me is dying - looking forward to spring. school seems nearly impossible when i can't make complete sentences. i should take better care of myself, since i'm still alive - taking care of myself takes too much effort. sleep is good. home is not what i thought it was. i want to stop spending so much money on things that don't really matter - i like retail therapy.

i'm blogging instead of working on my research paper, but i know i'll have to do it at some point...

i went to see snow patrol before going to phx, and it was a great show. i like small shows much better than big arenas, but it was still good. martha wainwright is that haunting voice with them on set the fire to the third bar, and i looked her up when i got home and bought one of her albums on itunes. she's pretty incredible.

(disclaimer: explicit lyrics)


i've also been listening to sandra maccracken's album the builder and the architect - it's her modern interpretations of old hymns. having grown up in a non-traditional christian home, i never really got into hymns, but my friend sara sang for me the day after heidi died, and there was something comforting in the old-ness of the songs, so i went looking for more (i'm holding onto anything that brings me comfort these days). it's a good album. unfortunately, i can't upload her music onto this blog ( i can't figure out how anyway).


it's hard to ask for what you need when you don't know what you need. grieving is especially like that. thanks for being available, for asking what you can do, for checking in, for reminding me to eat...when i figure out what i need i'll let you know - in the meantime, keep asking. :)

my delayed flight is supposed to leave in 20 minutes, and we haven't even started boarding yet. it doesn't look good. guess i'll work on my research paper after all.

This entry was posted on Monday, March 05, 2007 at 7:35 PM. You can skip to the end and leave a response.